Take One, Depression- Dana

Depression for me is a feeling. A strong feeling that sometimes is unexplainable. A feeling that’s not always specific, but it’s there. It’s heavy and painful, even when it’s nothing physical. Similar to a heavy weight that eventually weighs every part of you down. Sometimes it’s so strong that even in a room full of people, you feel surrounded by emptiness. Sometimes people can see it, most times they don’t. You could be smiling one day, and crying the next, but either way, it’s a feeling that could possibly change your life.

As a child I always thought what I was feeling was normal. I grew so accustomed to hearing the words “You cry too much” or “What could you have to be depressed about,” that I convinced myself it was nothing.

I walked around in fear of expressing myself, not being heard, or no one understanding so I suppressed every little feeling I ever had.

No one knew how it felt to be so small. Small compared to people who were bigger than me in everything. My voice was small, my body was small and I didn’t have an ounce of confidence in me. Instead, I was this little girl who made it okay for people to have their way with me.

I wanted to be liked and loved so bad that I’d take anything. If it wasn’t people making fun of me, calling me names, or accusing me of things at school, it was coming home to a dad that never had anything good to say, or nothing to say at all.

I spent days getting bullied, just to come home to a space that didn’t feel welcoming to my negative, but very real, emotions.

I carried all of these burdens from my childhood into adulthood, just to see them affect other areas in my life. Things I thought I suppressed long enough, revealed themselves in more ways than I could have imagined. From trust issues, to the feeling neglected, and unworthiness. I had reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. No matter where I went, no matter who I encountered, I wasn’t good enough. I felt like I was always lacking or like I was that same little girl from school.

Most people only see the happiness, the smiling, the joking, or the accomplishments but they never know what truly goes on in between. They don't know what happened to us, what we went through or how we got to that dark space. I remember crying myself to sleep most days. I remember telling my sister ways I would kill myself. I even remember telling my mom I didn’t want to be alive anymore. I remember eyeing a pair of scissors and deciding that this was it, but I was too scared.

I lost someone close to me due to suicide. Apart of me knew he wasn’t okay, but the other part always saw that smile and that goofiness whenever he came around. It never occurred to me that it would get to that point, but it did. The day I got that phone call my life changed forever because that was me, I felt like I wanted to get away from this world and I was preparing my exit without thinking of anyone else. I was full of heavy feelings that seemed too hard to escape from. I wish I had loved him more, passed what he’d done or what people saw him as or whatever he thought of himself. I wish I had been there. I wish I could have changed his mind. I wish he was still here. I wish.

Depression is a feeling. A strong feeling that sometimes no one understands. It doesn’t look the same as anyone else’s, but it’s there.

Before you decide to tell yourself, you can’t overcome it, grab hold of that little bit of strength you have left to hang on. Things aren’t always great, but they get better.

To those of you who are feeling depressed, know that you are loved and it’s okay. To everyone else, please give grace to others who may be suffering. Meet people where they’re at and know that things aren’t always as good as they look. Our mind is much deeper than the surface that everyone sees. A happy face doesn’t always mean a happy soul. Recognize that everyone’s story is different. Every pain looks different. Everybody is different, but they matter.

Let’s not have to say “I wish or I should have.” Be present and LOVE in everything that you do because you’ll never know when it’ll be the end.

“Love is patient, love is kind.” 1 Corinthians 13 Verse 4

If you or a loved one is struggling with suicidal thoughts or ideation help is available. Please reach out to the National Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255.