7 Things Your Inner Child Might Need to Hear

As a kid, I experienced tough situations that I didn't have time to really process or decide how I felt about it. So lately, I've been focusing on what I may have needed and finding ways to provide that for myself. Psychologists refer to this part of us as the 'inner child', where we experienced things before we were able to properly process them. The act of healing the inner child wounds happens by using mindfulness practices and tools. As an adult, examples of this are desiring childlike things at a store (lollipops, candy, etc.), being overly passionate or emotional about specific things, and underdeveloped relationship skills. Now you have the ability to find and meet those needs, but when you were young you might have only heard "NO" or there was a lack of resources from caregivers so subconsciously there are unmet needs that you still feel.

The past few years, I've had a deep craving to go back to Reno (my hometown) for the hot air balloon festival. We would attend this each year as a family, and it was one of my favorite events. This year I finally listened and at the time of me booking my flight, I had no clue I was tapping into my inner child. Shortly after organizing the trip, I found out the Greek Festival was the same weekend, this was another event we went to every year where there was face painting, good food, dancing, live music, and a lot of culture. I loved it.

The work I've done comes in the form of getting to know my inner child by learning what she needed that she didn't get, listening to her pain without criticism, and finding ways to provide love for her rather than depending on others to do it, and recognizing her as a star of my story. I won't lie and say it's easy work because it's not. It's messy and it comes with needing forgive others and yourself, and moments of feeling deep pain caused by abandonment, failure, trauma, neglect, disappointment, and anything else the inner child may have felt. Once you make it through these wounded parts, you begin to learn new parts of yourself and feel more comfortable meeting those needs. I feel lighter, brighter, happier, calmer, and more connected. I have more realistic expectations for my relationships, I can commit to areas of my life I used to struggle with, and I accept myself more. It truly has been a beautiful experience.

Here are some things your inner child might need to hear:

1. "I'm sorry that happened to you."

If you experienced trauma at a young age you may have accepted it as normal, and wounds may have gone undetected. Trauma can include but isn't limited to any form of abuse (or witnessing it), neglect, divorce, car accidents or traumatic events, adoption, absent parents, and bullying. You might not get the apology you need from the person, but you can remind yourself that you deserve compassion and love in this space regardless of their willingness to show up.

2. "It wasn’t your fault."

This statement allows you to give yourself permission to release guilt, shame, and anger (aimed at self, people, or God). Understanding that whatever has happened to you is not your fault frees you from self-blame and can be a boost to your overall self-worth.

3. "How they treated you doesn’t define you."

I always like to say, "Your past made you who you are today, but it doesn't determine who you'll be in the future." You are not the things you went through. You deserve relationships that celebrate you. Often times, if we hold onto the belief that "everyone will be like them", it closes the door to potential relationships that can show us differently.

4. "You are safe now."

When we go through things that make us feel unsafe, we can become anxious with poor attachment styles and low self-esteem. Try reminding your younger self that you're safe now so you can get unstuck from spaces that made you feel unsafe back then.

5. "You are worthy."

This one speaks for itself but sometimes is easier said than felt. If you struggle to believe this, reframe your thoughts so that you see that the wounds of your inner child are worthy too, even if they are misunderstood. It's also important that our lives reflect high self-worth too in the habits we engage in, the friendships we have, and the way we see ourselves.

Sidenote: At first, all of this might sound really stupid, fake, and like a waste of time but that's only because we are rarely taught this and it's different from your norm so, naturally, there will be some resistance. (I remember feeling like this when I tried new mental health tools, so I get it.) Next time you're in the mirror, recall one of these and try saying it to yourself. You don't have to believe it yet but just try it. Come back and tell me what you felt.

6. "Your voice matters."

As a youngin' you might have voiced something important to you and been told to "stay in a child's place" or made to feel that your needs were stupid, selfish, or too sensitive. Some people are even punished for speaking up for themselves. In adulthood you may feel like you have nothing to contribute to others or to the world. It can also present as not speaking up for yourself, ignoring your needs, prioritizing others over you, fearing people's opinion of you, or even eating food at a restaurant that isn't what you ordered "to keep the peace and avoid feeling like a burden". TUH! If you don't send that food back and get what YOU ordered! Choosing to believe that your voice matters is more than just speaking up. It means you are placing a high value on your wants and needs. It's advocating for yourself, holding a standard for those in your life and for yourself, and it puts you in the position of being responsible for knowing yourself enough to know your needs.

If you still need guidance with how to know what you value, check out my last blog post to help identify what's most important to you.

7. "What hurts? I care about your needs; how can I hear you better?"

This is a good question to journal about and is a tool used in Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS). When you sit with self, you can really explore the areas that feel neglected and learn how it shows up in your relationships and other areas of your life. Once you are aware of what hurts you can ask how to meet the need. Asking this will also help strengthen # 6. Silence will bring you the answer. I promise you there is an inner need just waiting to be discovered and heard by you!

Overall, meeting with our inner child opens up the opportunity for healing and growth in major ways. I pray you take this time to tell your younger self what he/she needs to hear because you deserve it.

What's something that not on this list that your inner child might need to hear?

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Blessings and Breakthroughs,

Brie Outlaw